Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!mit-eddie!think!harvard!seismo!umcp-cs!aplcen!jhunix!ins_ampm From: ins_ampm@jhunix.UUCP (Michael P McKenna) Newsgroups: net.rumor Subject: Re: A new PC from Cray? Message-ID: <2134@jhunix.UUCP> Date: Sat, 8-Mar-86 23:02:43 EST Article-I.D.: jhunix.2134 Posted: Sat Mar 8 23:02:43 1986 Date-Received: Wed, 12-Mar-86 21:47:25 EST References: <196@octopus.UUCP> <11997@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU> <399@ur-tut.UUCP> <1494@gitpyr.UUCP> <2126@jhunix.UUCP> Reply-To: ins_ampm@jhunix.ARPA (Michael P McKenna) Distribution: net Organization: Johns Hopkins Univ. Computing Ctr. Lines: 73 In article <2126@jhunix.UUCP> ins_aaaw@jhunix.UUCP (Adlai A. Waksman) writes: >> >>Actually, it uses thiotimoline-based organic superconducting circuits. >> > >> >Making humidity control in the machine room a critical factor in >> >maintaining reliability of operation! >> >> Please note that that use of thiotimoline in switching circuits to >> produce negative response times is a trade secret of Nonexistant >> Semiconductors. It is obvious that you have leaked information from >> the highly secret NoSe Surreal-Time Computation research group. > . . . > >Not obvious at all. The endochronic properties of thiotimoline are >well documented in the biochemical literature*, and many researchers >have been independently working with negative-response-time computation. >This is enabling breakthroughs in complexity theory and computability, >making possible algorithms and solutions that were hitherto impossible >because they cannot be conventionally done in a finite amount of time. > > >* "The Endochronic Properties of Resublimated Thiotimoline", Asimov > (widely printed) ***** BLATANT PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT ***** SOFTWARE FOR YOUR NEW CRAY PC There is one major problem with the Cray PC. It is far too fast. Research has shown that having the computer present answers before the questions are asked causes intense psychological damage to the user, therefore it is important for most tasks to slow your Cray down to human usable speeds. Software from SlowWare Inc. can help you solve this problem. Our first package, available second quarter 1985 (not a typo, the software appeared on our disks, along with a README file explaining that our 1987 selves had written it), is the SLow lANGuage (SLANG) developement system. SLANG is a revolutionary new programming language that enables you to completely negate the Cray PC's incredibly speed. First, SLANG takes your highly structured code and preprocesses it into S-code (Spaghetti code). On an average program SLANG will increase the size of your program by 117.42% from goto statements alone! This has the added advantage of making it virtually impossible for anyone to reverse engineer your product, EVEN IF THE S-CODE IS READABLE! Other effects of SLANG are to move assignment statements inside loops and introduce several redundant statements. For added slowness the S-code is then interpreted rather than being compiled into machine language. And of course we use the most inefficient methods known to man or machine. The degree of inefficiency introduced is user controllable (within certain limits of course), and is specified by Minimum Acceptable Delay (MAD). If you need extra slowdown you can purchase our VLSS (Very Large Scale Slowness) option. This is an advanced program that scans your code, analyzes the algorithms used and attempts to replace them with less efficient algorithms, many times completely replacing them with a "brute force" approach. VLSS also looks for bottleneck areas in your code, and narrows them even further. SOON TO HAVE BEEN AVAILABLE Network Software form SlowWare Inc. - Slow down your Cray PC enough to communicate with other computers!!! Dwight S. Wilson