Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site hoptoad.uucp Path: utzoo!decvax!decwrl!sun!hoptoad!laura From: laura@hoptoad.uucp (Laura Creighton) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Interesting article Message-ID: <585@hoptoad.uucp> Date: Thu, 6-Mar-86 15:12:00 EST Article-I.D.: hoptoad.585 Posted: Thu Mar 6 15:12:00 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 8-Mar-86 11:41:37 EST References: <489@ssc-bee.UUCP> <1487@gitpyr.UUCP> <1090@burl.UUCP> Reply-To: laura@hoptoad.UUCP (Laura Creighton) Distribution: na Organization: Nebula Consultants in San Francisco Lines: 65 In article <1090@burl.UUCP> rcj@burl.UUCP (Curtis Jackson) writes: >I loved the girl so much that practically everything I did was >geared to make her happy. This is not good. That may sound stupid, but >the most important thing is to be yourself -- and while I was being a large >part of myself (I'm such a great guy! ;-) ) I was also denying a lot of >parts of me that were just kind of average and occasionally quite intolerable. I have been on the other end of this stick a numebr of times, until I learned to recognise it and get out quickly. I call this ``the puppy-dog syndrome''. Here is how it looks from the other side. I meet an interesting guy; we talk; and have a great time He gets smitten! Next time I see him, all of his energy is focused on ``making me happy''. But ``making me happy'' is BORING. I spend most of my life making me happy. I was doing that when I decided to hang out with this interesting guy (where is he? quick -- I knew that i left him around somewhere!) and I didn't want him to polymorph into a lap dog. Suddenly, *my happiness* is the standard of value. It makes a fine personal standard, but it is not a very good universal one. Suddenly you have to take care of the poor puppy because he is not taking care of himself. [By the way -- this is the falacy. Just because he has thrown himself at your feet doesn't maean that you are responsible for his helplessness.] And your freedom of action, and freedom to be honest suffers. Consider -- if I am sitting around hacking I can turn to a friend and say ``hey, can you go to the store and bring me back a beer -- I will be done in a few minutes and if would feel great.'' And nice honest friends will either do this, or not, as they choose. So it is *okay* to ask because they won't do anything that they don't want to. It is different with puppy-dogs. They will rush off to the store, happily wagging their tails, despite having a ton of work to do. And they will help you drink it later. And their work will suffer.... And all the while, as you watch his life go down the tubes, you think -- gee, what a horrible bitch I must be...and you start censoring all the words which go out of your mouth because you don't want to take advantage of him. Suddenly, you notice that you can't become angry or depressed with yourself or the world. Puppy-dogs take this personally. Everything is their fault, and they have to bend over backwards to keep you happy...(but I don't want to be happy right now, dear...I am enjoying a nice hot rage). The pedestal gets taller -- you now have to hide your feelings from the puppy dog or else he will get ``upset''. Finally the pedestal gets so high that you end up thnking ``how could I have ever liked anyone with so little self-respect?'' And you want to leave. But here, of course, you are trapped...Puppy dog insists that if you ever leave him he will kill himself. You are the whole reason for his existence.... ---------------------------------------------------------- I have seen both men and women turn into lap dogs; and most only do so to a degree and don't become full-blown lap dogs like this. But when somebody else uses your compassion for them agaisnt you as a weapon -- even to a small degree -- it counts among the most frustrating of experiences. -- Laura Creighton ihnp4!hoptoad!laura utzoo!hoptoad!laura sun!hoptoad!laura toad@lll-crg.arpa