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From: tif@gamma.UUCP (Barbara Charles)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: living with SO
Message-ID: <793@gamma.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 12-Mar-86 11:37:07 EST
Article-I.D.: gamma.793
Posted: Wed Mar 12 11:37:07 1986
Date-Received: Fri, 14-Mar-86 04:16:53 EST
Organization: BELLCORE, Livingston, NJ
Lines: 110


In article <1310@vax135.UUCP> tab@vax135.UUCP (Tracey Baker) writes:
>
>There is a very interesting article in the March '86 issue of
>Reader's Digest (at least I found it interesting) called "When
>Unmarried Couples Live Together".  The main point of the article
>is that if two unmarried people have a good relationship while
>living together, it doesn't necessarily mean that they will
>have a good marriage if & when they decide to get married.
>
:
I agree with this part.

:
>	"To maintain their living-together relationship,
>	 couples often hide from each other important aspects
>	 of their true selves."
>
:
>Comments?  Anyone out there living with an SO?  What do you
>think of this?
>

My husband and I lived went out together for 4 years and lived together for
two years before we got married.

We have now been married for 1 year and 3 months and we have 2 children
(so we did things a little backwards). (how do you smile on this thing!)
Why did we get married?  Certainly not because of the children - my
daughter was 4 when we got married.  We trusted, cared and loved each other
enough to say "Hey, it would be nice to spend my life with you.  Things have
not changed at all.  (No, not even a itsy, bitsy bit).  If anything has
changed it has been our dedication and love for each other - it has grown
and continues to grow. 
     
The quote "couples often hide from each other important aspects of their
true selves" sounds like a cop-out to me, unless the couple has only been
living with that person for a short while.  If you really "live" with and
"share with" that person, you can't help but get to know their "true selves."
Maybe I'm wrong, but at least that's how I feel.  What can you hide from
someone you live with: false teeth, false eyelashes, that he/she is a slob,
that you don't like to cook, or that maybe he does, or maybe you don't like
that he wears jockey short, you want him to wear briefs, etc. (You get the
message).  I think people have to ask themselves are the things that they
hide from each are important enough to worry about breaking up over.


Hunter Scales states:
>I lived with my ex-wife for over two years before we were
>married.  I don't think that we hid much from each other during that
>time.   Rather, I think that, after we were married, we gradually
>stopped tolerating things about each other.  It was as if, when we
>were not in a formal partnership, there was always the need to put
>up with things about each other that bothered us or we would split up.
>Ironically, I think marriage brought with it a lessening of
>committment, not a strengthening.

This is sad but not always the case.  I tend to think that there
were many things missing in your relationship to begin with if you felt
"you had to put up with things about each other that bothered you or you
would split up."  Honesty is an important part of any relationship.  Maybe
you and your ex should have discussed things instead of tolerating things;
maybe you should have been honest about the things that bothered you.
Without these things I can see why a "lessening of committment" happened.
 
Why did we get married (edited).
>Part of it was our feeling that
>marriage would "settle" us and strengthen our relationship.  Now, of
>course, I think this is wrong.  Marriage is only appropriate when the
>two people involved think so and no one else's opinion should be
>the determining factor (although they may count more or less).
>And marriage is really the reflection of the depth of a relationship and
>should not be counted upon to provide that strength.

I agree wholeheartedly.  It is unfortunate that we have to learn through our
mistakes.

>As an aside, my experience with divorce was so negative that I
>doubt that I will ever  marry again.  Ours was a fairly amicable
>divorce but my encounter with the legal system left a resolution never
>to place myself at the mercy of the court again.  NO, not even for the
>children.

Poor attitutde. (This is not a flame, just concern).
You are already looking at marriage as ending in divorce.  It's sort of
like a woman have a baby, but absolutely knowing it will end in a C-section.
(poor, but you get the point).  You have already made up in your mind that
marriage is not worth "placing yourself at the mercy of the court again."
Never say never.  You may meet someone who sweeps you away one day.

Oh yea, the Reader's Digest article:

I think it depends on the two individuals involved.  If it's a match, it will
work:
o   loving does involve tolerating each other sometime - we all need our
    own space from time to time,
o   it means honesty - discussing what is bothering you early in a relation-
    ship, so you don't have to worry about breaking up
    (hiding things in a relationship that effects both of you is definately
    detrimental to married and unmarried couples, living or not living
    together couples)
o   strengthening of a commitment comes with time, patience, and understanding
    of each other's needs.   

Maybe the person who wrote the article (Readers' Digest) should read the net.
She/he could learn a few things about relationships!
-

	Barbara Charles
	gamma!tif