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From: richl@tektools.UUCP (Rick Lindsley)
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social,net.women
Subject: Re: Saying things about your SO on the net
Message-ID: <1432@tektools.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 3-Sep-86 01:13:57 EDT
Article-I.D.: tektools.1432
Posted: Wed Sep  3 01:13:57 1986
Date-Received: Thu, 4-Sep-86 06:31:48 EDT
References: <6688@sri-spam.ARPA>
Reply-To: richl@tektools.UUCP (Rick Lindsley)
Organization: Tektronix, Inc., Beaverton, OR.
Lines: 72
Xref: watmath net.singles:16155 net.social:1383 net.women:12577

In article <6688@sri-spam.ARPA> gds@sri-spam.ARPA (The lost Bostonian) asks:

>                                                               I was
> wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally
> read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet
> occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or
> spouses.

I've had an SO who was famous on the net. I think I was harder on my
own postings than hers. In case she is reading, all of the examples I
am giving are just that, examples. DO NOT read anything into these!!

We talked about this very problem, and I asked that we not refer to
each other by names because 1) it would call attention to ourselves,
and I'm not really that kind of person, and 2) if we *did* want to get
an opinion from the net, we might get a more objective opinion if they
didn't know who that other person was.

I'm not ashamed of her, nor she of me. I just dislike publicity.

>           Do you generally ask permission before posting?

No, but we trust each other to be sensitive. We both would find it
offensive, I think, to first learn of some problem in the relationship
through an article. ("I've got this problem with my SO that we've never
really discussed, and I'm wondering if my thinking on this is right or
wrong and should I even bother to bring it up ..." [you just did!])

>                                                            Are there
> certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post?

Certainly. As I said, I'm harder on myself than on her. There are
things I probably wouldn't post, but which if she posts doesn't
particularly bother me. There are some things, though, that would
bother me. For instance, it wouldn't bother me if she said her SO was
tall or short or pudgy or thin, or went to college or generalities like
that. Probably even stuff like "he's got this mole and it's shaped like
a ..." wouldn't be annoying. But things that put me down (and I admit
this is subjective!) would annoy me a great deal. ("He's fun and witty,
but he has absolutely no originality" would probably prompt a private
discussion. Don't talk about me in the third person! I might add that
to keep things completely inconsistent, I would not chastize her if she
stopped at the comma.  [C'mon, I'm only human.])

>                                                            Do you think
> this affects other people's perceptions of your SO?

That's one of the main reasons I've rarely, if ever, mentioned her
name.  A few other net people know who she is, I'm sure, and she is
friends with several of them. I don't know what their perception of her
is, and it is not my place to ask, or change it.  I would not want
others, who *don't* know her, to use my obviously biased (either
favorably or unfavorably -- depends on my mood at the time!) opinions
as a basis for judging her. I would *never* say anything intentionally
degrading about her, no matter what the reason. I would take it up in
private (like all good netters should do :-))

>                                                      Do you think if you
> are critical of your SO on the net that you are not giving them a chance
> to defend themselves.

Yes, in part. Criticize in private, praise in public, I always say. I
always *try* to do that, though being human I'm sure I've not always
been successful. Our personal differences need to be worked out between
*us*.  If she wants to discuss it privately with her net friends, that
doesn't bother me. But to post them to net.singles seems to be creating
an election I didn't campaign for and have no control over ("well, 35
people have responded and 23 thought he was a jerk and 12 thought I was
too hard on him. That's pretty much what I thought; I think I'll go
talk with him now." yecch. I've read all about it by now; spare me.)

Rick