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From: eisaman@ihlpl.UUCP (Eisaman)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Build a better mousetrap
Message-ID: <1250@ihlpl.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 2-Sep-86 09:41:48 EDT
Article-I.D.: ihlpl.1250
Posted: Tue Sep  2 09:41:48 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 9-Sep-86 04:30:23 EDT
References: <658@sdcc12.UUCP> <3309@ism780c.UUCP> <1054@mit-trillian.MIT.EDU> <1118@bucsd.bu-cs.BU.EDU> <2035@sdcsvax.UUCP>
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
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All of these mouse killing stories reminded me of an Animal Stories
letter I heard on WLS in Chicago several years ago.  The following 
is certainly not verbatim but to my nearest recollection.

Uncle Larry is reading a letter to Little Snot Nose Tommy.

"We have a way to kill mice that we feel is of a humane way.  My wife
and I don't like the thought of poison or traps so we have invented our
own way to catch the dirty mice in our house.  

We tape a flimsy paper plate to the edge of our kitchen counter.  And
on the furthest end from the counter we place a Cheetos Cheese puff.
Under the plate we have your garbage container with several inches of
water in it.  We set this up and night and in the morning, if we are
lucky, we have a dead mouse floating in the bucket.  We can then 
throw the mouse away feeling like we were humane in our manner."

About this time Uncle Lar and Tommy are rolling on the floor gasping,
"Humane, HA HA HA HA!"  But wait, the mice trick was not the only
humane concept this couple came up with.

"We would also like to relate another story about a squirrel that we
had to dispose of.  

One day as we looked out our back door we saw a squirrel laying in 
our back yard.  When we noticed it had been laying in the same spot
for several hours we decided to investigate.  When approaching the
squirrel.  It moved away from us but not very rapidly because its
back was broken.  Concerned about the animals welfare we called a
vet.  The vet told us that there was nothing he could do for it
but if you do not want to see it suffer, then you should put it out
of its misery.  We asked what method he suggested.  He told us to
hit it real hard with a shovel.  We thanked the vet but neither one
of us could bring ourselves up to hit the poor creature to death.

So we thought of another way.  I located a box and my wife got a 
broom.  We then spent about an hour trying to herd the squirrel into
the box."

Tommy is getting real hysterical.

"We then took the box into the garage and attached it to the back
of our VW.  I started it up and after a short time the squirrel 
stopped scratching at the side of the box and then died.  

We were sorry that the animal had to die, but were proud of the way
in which we handled the matter."

I thought that this was one of the most hilarious Animal Stories that
I ever heard.  It is a lot funnier when Tommy is laughing hystericly
in the background, and Uncle Lar is adding comments about them 
chasing a lame squirrel around the yard for an hour.