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Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!ut-sally!im4u!milano!wex
From: wex@milano.UUCP
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: forwarded anonymous posting
Message-ID: <2392@milano.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 18-Sep-86 15:01:15 EDT
Article-I.D.: milano.2392
Posted: Thu Sep 18 15:01:15 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 23-Sep-86 01:58:23 EDT
References: <402@spdcc.UUCP>
Sender: wex@milano.UUCP
Organization: MCC, Austin, TX
Lines: 61

In article <402@spdcc.UUCP>, dyer@spdcc.UUCP (Steve Dyer) forwarded an
anonymous message from "Paul."  Paul asked for advice about his relationship
with another man.  Paul, here is my advice, using quotes from your article.

Paul, you've left out two important things from your letter:
	- how you feel towards the SO  (even if you are unsure of exactly
		 how you fee, you might have some general feelings),

	- relationships with others (are there any other SOs in your life
		right now?),

But, fool that I am, I'll try to advise you anyway.  Paul, this man is
seriously messed up!  He has some basic mental/emotional problems apart from
his indecision on sexual orientation.  As you say:

> Now it gets complicated. He had serious but unrequited
> affairs with first one woman, then another. Women seem to
> find him cold, brittle, and self-centered. There is indeed
> a downside to the person: he has an immense well of anger,
> epitomized by a festering, annihilative hatred of his
> mother (a sad case in fact, crazy with booze), to whom he
> is cruel with a mercilessness that brings tears to my eyes
> on the rare occasions when I hear about her.

A man that cruel needs to seek psychiatric counseling.  I don't want to seem
insulting, Paul, but I think here the women are being more sensitive
(observant?)  than you.  I suspect that you've seen the same things that
they have, but put them down to preference-based problems.  That may not be
right.

If you accept my hypothesis, there are three things you can do, depending on
how you feel about him (and how much of a committment you want to make):

	1) Cut and run.  He "voted with his feet."  Accept it with grace.

	2) Recommend that he seek counseling.  Help him find a professional
	   who understands the problems of gays and can separate them
	   from his other problems.  Be a good listener; see him occasionally.

	3) Go into counseling with him.  The goal here is to resolve his
	   problems so that the two of you can have a good, normal, gay
	   relationship.

The third alternative (obviously) requires a tremendous amount of
commitment.  It's not something you can start and then pull out of.  There's
a lot of potential for hurt and trouble.  This is especially true if you are
not fully `out.' (I assume this from the fact that you posted anonymously.)
Of course, the potential rewards are also a lot greater:  satisfaction,
friendship (possibly for life), maybe a good relationship with an SO, etc.

This is starting to get long, so I'll end it here.  Feel free to e-mail me
at the address below.  Or call (512)834-3586 if you want to talk but
maintain your anonymity.


-- 
Alan Wexelblat
ARPA: WEX@MCC.ARPA or WEX@MCC.COM
UUCP: {seismo, harvard, gatech, pyramid, &c.}!ut-sally!im4u!milano!wex

"All that money makes such a succulent sound."