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From: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Newsgroups: soc.singles,soc.women
Subject: Re: internal conflicts wrt sexual stimuli and so on
Message-ID: <1013@rti-sel.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 26-Sep-86 15:58:04 EDT
Article-I.D.: rti-sel.1013
Posted: Fri Sep 26 15:58:04 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 30-Sep-86 00:34:37 EDT
References: <911@gilbbs.UUCP>
Reply-To: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Organization: Research Triangle Institute, NC
Lines: 85
Xref: linus soc.singles:259 soc.women:126

In article <911@gilbbs.UUCP> mc68020@gilbbs.UUCP (Thomas J Keller) writes:

[I was going to delete net.women from the Newsgroups, but after
 writing my response decided what I have to say might be helpful
 to someone who reads net.women but not net.singles]

>This situation is complicated by several things, my being overweight, not 
>being into dancing or partying, etc., and becoming extremely nervous when
>involved in social situations.

None of these problems are unsolvable. Join a health club or the Y and
get into shape. GET INTO dancing or partying, or at least into putting
yourself in situations where you'll meet some nice people. If you're
nervous about social situations, figure out why; get some professional
help if you need it (there's nothing wrong with that -- going for help
is a sign of mental HEALTH, not illness: the stigma attached to these
things belongs in the 19th century).

By the way, I don't understand why masturbation should be a poor
substitute for intercourse. Who knows your own responses and needs 
better than you? 
 
>   I find myself performing behaviours which I loath, and which distress me.
>When I am in public, I find myself staring at women, wondering about how a
>sexual interlude with them would turn out.  I stare at their crotches and
>chests.  I mentally undress them.  I *DO* try very hard to maintain a low
>profile.  It is not that I don't respect them as people. I am senstive to
>the fact that such staring degrades not only them, but me.  I am deeply 
>ashamed of my behaviours in this regard.

Why? Why be ashamed of being human and having a normal sexual drive?
We all sometimes go through periods when we feel our sexuality
strongly. We all lust in our hearts, even Presidents. :-) There's 
nothing wrong with feelings and desires; they're perfectly normal. 
It's EXPLOITATIVE AND HURTFUL ACTIONS that are immoral, not normal 
sexual feelings.
 
>   I am just unsure of what to do.  I don't know how to meet people, or at
>least I am particularly unskilled at it.  When I do meet women, I end up in
>"freidnship only" mode, which is fine, as far as it goes.  I enjoy haveing
>female freidns (I enjoy havgin freinds).  Not one of them owes me a damned
>thing, romantically.  Yet, I have this terrible need (yes, I need romance 
>every bit as much, perhaps even more than I need sex).  I am lost, frustrated
>and disgusted (with myself).

I think you have some problems with your perceptions of yourself, and
with your perceptions of how you think other people view you. Don't
worry; you're certainly not alone. Many people have suffered from
perceptual disorders, and these things can be effectively dealt with.
I know: I'm a person who's been battling panic disorder and depression
for some years, and have fairly recently begun to control these
problems through interaction with a cognitive behaviorist. He's shown
me techniques for dealing with the stream of negative thoughts I'm
usually only half aware of about my self-worth and about the way I 
appear to other people. They work, and they're simple to follow. 

I have no idea what your root problems really are, or how similar they
are to problems I've had, but I'll tell you there's nothing to be
ashamed or disgusted about. More people than you'd suspect suffer from
the kind of depression you seem to be having at one time or another in
their lives. You see, it's easy to build up an incorrect set of
beliefs about how the world works, about yourself, and about other
people's perceptions of you and reify that set of beliefs with a
constant internal dialogue that filters your experiences and
interprets them in a negative way to reinforce your world view. Back
when you were a child, you probably believed in Santa Claus or at
least in some other fantasy beings that you no longer believe in. At
some time, that belief system was shattered by a rational examination
of the basis for the beliefs. Believe it or not, you can do the same
thing with your warped perceptions about yourself and the world and
get beyond this. 

I hope this does someone on the net some good; I'm happy with the way
my life is going now, and when I see other people hurting I like to
tell them there's no reason to: there's a way out, and it's as close
as the nearest telephone.

For those of you on the net who suffer from panic disorder, anxiety,
or agorophobia, I highly recommend a book called "Don't Panic," by R.
Reid Wilson. And for those of you who suffer from depression, I highly
recommend another book called "Feeling Good," by (I think) David
Burns. They were recommended by my therapist, and they've helped me 
a lot.

                         -- Cheers, Bill Ingogly