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From: tjc@hrcca.UUCP (Thomas J. Chapin)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Committments
Message-ID: <199@hrcca.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 28-Sep-86 10:23:17 EDT
Article-I.D.: hrcca.199
Posted: Sun Sep 28 10:23:17 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 30-Sep-86 20:50:42 EDT
References: <352@ur-cvsvax.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: AT&T Resource Management, HRCC - Lisle, Il
Lines: 41

> 	Recently I got involved with a woman who I shortly found out was
> 	involved with someone else ...
> 	...  she would say "Dont leave me". 
> 	She has just started sleeping with yet another guy. 
> 	My question is this; she claims she has never made a
> 	committment to me. 

> 	What I wonder is do people think I have the right to make an
> 	emotional claim on this woman

> 	G. Sclar @ Center for Visual Science, University of Rochester 14627

Of course not.  Commitment can never be asked for, it can only be given.
And you can not ask an irresponsible person to become responsible merely
because you exist.

Since her actions conflict so massively with her words, you should
understand that her words mean something different to her than they do
to you.  When she asks you not to leave she evidently means she needs
you to be a friend and heal the wounds she receives from the guys she
really wants.  And as long as she is allowed to make demands on you and
you are not permitted equality by being able to make equivalent demands
on her, then you will continue to allow yourself to be hurt and she will
never learn she has to take responsibility for the consequences of her
own actions.

You can not ask for nor demand commitment. You can only tell her, both
in words and by actions, what your needs are and that no one's needs can
be truly satisfied in a relationship where you do all the giving and she
does all the taking.

But you probably knew that.  Maybe you are looking for excuses to
continue your pain?  Or a kick in the ass to do the obvious?

-- 
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
Tom Chapin  @  AT&T-RM, Hickory Ridge Conference Centre, Lisle, IL 
	       (312) 971-5652 & (312) 960-0481   {ihnp4,allegra}!hrcca!tjc

		       Sitting quietly, doing nothing,
		Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.