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From: dianeh@ism780c.UUCP (Diane Holt)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Committments
Message-ID: <3695@ism780c.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 29-Sep-86 23:00:22 EDT
Article-I.D.: ism780c.3695
Posted: Mon Sep 29 23:00:22 1986
Date-Received: Sat, 4-Oct-86 04:54:07 EDT
References: <352@ur-cvsvax.UUCP>
Reply-To: dianeh@ism780c.UUCP (Diane Holt)
Distribution: net
Organization: Interactive Systems Corp., Santa Monica, CA
Lines: 45

In article <352@ur-cvsvax.UUCP> gary@ur-cvsvax.UUCP (Gary Sclar) writes:
>Recently I got involved with a woman who I shortly found out was involved
>with someone else, but in the midst of a prolonged "break up". [...]
>My question is this; she claims she has never made a committment to me. Yet
>she asked me to stay with her in a situation where my emotions and feelings
>were on the line. She even talked about having a relationship with me after
>all the dust settled.  What I wonder is do people think I have the right to
>make an emotional claim on this woman, given the circumstances (nobody has
>to tell me I was a fool; I already know that). Does my committment to her,
>which she elicited, mean that I have the right to expect a committment from
>her.

I suppose the question is, why did you choose to help her through her "bad
times"?  Was it just so you'd get some kind of "pay-off" from it (in the form
of a "relationship" with her)?  Or were you genuinely concerned about her as
a friend who needed you?  You say you've "fallen in love" with her, but can
you say you actually "love" the lady.  If you did, it seems to me that the
thought of trying to "buy back" some of your "investment" in the form of
"making an emotional claim" on her wouldn't even occur to you (it wouldn't to
me, anyway).  What would you hope to achieve by doing that?  Do you think you
can say, "Look, I've put a lot of time and energy into this, so now it's your
turn."  What could that possibly accomplish?  You can't *make* somebody feel
something for you by trying to claim that they "owe" you -- and even if you
could, I don't see how either of you would be happy with the result.

If you feel like you've been "used" and that there isn't even a friendship
there, then try to understand that people in extremely emotionally charged
situations often do things they wouldn't do in less pressured times.  And try
to feel good about yourself for being the type of person who can be there
when somebody needs you -- without getting anything in return except your own
good feelings about having helped. (Frankly, I can't see the "I've just been
a fool" line of thinking...if you did good where good was needed, then what's
so "foolish" about that?)

If you really love the lady, try to be her friend.  If you just lust the
lady, feel frustrated for a while (doing whatever it is you do for that sort
of frustration...), and then move on.  Trying to force the issue or make her
feel guilty doesn't sound like it's going to accomplish anything but bad
feelings on both sides.

Diane Holt
Knowledgable Member SIELIH ("S" & "L" Divisions)
{seismo,decvax,cbosgd}!hplabs!sdcrdcf!ism780c!dianeh

"Why make it bitter, when it can be so sweet?"