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From: rb@cci632.UUCP (Rex Ballard)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Committments
Message-ID: <437@cci632.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 1-Oct-86 12:18:15 EDT
Article-I.D.: cci632.437
Posted: Wed Oct  1 12:18:15 1986
Date-Received: Sat, 4-Oct-86 08:32:25 EDT
References: <352@ur-cvsvax.UUCP> <199@hrcca.UUCP>
Reply-To: rb@ccird1.UUCP (Rex Ballard)
Distribution: net
Organization: CCI, Rochester Development, Rochester, NY
Lines: 72
Summary: Games people play.

In article <199@hrcca.UUCP> tjc@hrcca.UUCP (Thomas J. Chapin) writes:
>> 	Recently I got involved with a woman who I shortly found out was
>> 	involved with someone else ...
>> 	...  she would say "Dont leave me". 
>> 	She has just started sleeping with yet another guy. 
>> 	My question is this; she claims she has never made a
>> 	committment to me. 
>
>> 	What I wonder is do people think I have the right to make an
>> 	emotional claim on this woman
>
>> 	G. Sclar @ Center for Visual Science, University of Rochester 14627
>
>Of course not.  Commitment can never be asked for, it can only be given.
>And you can not ask an irresponsible person to become responsible merely
>because you exist.
>
>Since her actions conflict so massively with her words, you should
>understand that her words mean something different to her than they do
>to you.  When she asks you not to leave she evidently means she needs
>you to be a friend and heal the wounds she receives from the guys she
>really wants.

Many people, men and women, feel a need to be attractive to someone.
Others need the emotional security of an admirer.  I have had similar
experiences to the ones described.  In one case, I spent almost a year
in a "cat dance" relationship, where an ex-boyfriend came between us.
Eventually, she found someone else, I was discarded, and she was happy.

In a situation like this, I have found that the best thing to do is to
find someone else to whom the "rejected partner" can form an attachment.
At the same time, one can look for other relationships.  When the
break-up is complete, introduce your friend, step out, and go for
another relationship.

It is often difficult for a partner in a breakup situation to attach
to the "rescuer".  The relationship itself is a reminder of the emotional
pain of the break-up.

>Maybe you are looking for excuses to continue your pain?

It is nice to be wanted, and needed, by someone you are attracted to.
A person in the middle of a break-up needs someone for emotional
support.  It is emotionally painful when you help someone clean
up a romantic mess, only to discover that your "true love" has
other interests.

It is possible to gain from such a relationship.  If you are still on
good terms when she finds what she wants, she may find a friend for you.
It is not unreasonable to expect a little help from someone you have
helped.  This is one reason for introducing her to a friend.

>Or a kick in the ass to do the obvious?

There is nothing obvious to do here.  An emotional relationship
with a person going through a romantic crisis can create the illusion
of love.  Neither partner is able to think clearly during the crisis.
When the dust settles, "love" is recognised for what it is (dependence),
and the emotional vulnerability and guilt is often too much strain for
a strong relationship.

>Tom Chapin  @  AT&T-RM, Hickory Ridge Conference Centre, Lisle, IL 

What is required, now that she is free, is "detatchment with love".
Retaliation, guilt, or emotional blackmail may be very tempting at
this moment, but avoid it.  She may find someone whom you consider
to be a jerk.  She may even find a relationship worse than the one
she left.  This is one reason why you should introduce her to friends
you do trust.  It isn't easy, but if you really love someone, you
will do what is best for them.

Rex B.