Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!decvax!tektronix!orca!pogo!daveb From: daveb@pogo.UUCP Newsgroups: soc.singles Subject: Re: Committment Message-ID: <2797@pogo.UUCP> Date: Thu, 9-Oct-86 14:25:18 EDT Article-I.D.: pogo.2797 Posted: Thu Oct 9 14:25:18 1986 Date-Received: Fri, 10-Oct-86 07:40:16 EDT Reply-To: daveb@pogo.UUCP (Dave Butler) Distribution: na Organization: Tektronix, Inc., Beaverton, OR. Lines: 67 This is a repost of this article. Our system admin suggested reposting all articles submitted between monday and wednesday morning because our "news" was not functioning during that time. Recently Gary Sclar wrote an article <352@ur-cvsvax.UUCP> about the situation a pseudo-SO has placed him in. The article seemed to ask several questions. They being: 1: Why did she ask me to stay with her while she was breaking up? 2: Did she make a commitment to me? 3: If so, can I hold her that commitment? 4: If I can't hold her to the commitment, what do I do then? 5: What does she expect of me now? I was in a similar situation once, (learned my lesson though and it'll never happen again) so maybe some things I have to say might be of benefit. "Why did she ask me to stay with her while she was breaking up?" Some people feel very insecure about breaking up. Even if they wish to terminate a relationship, they will not do so until they have someone "waiting in the wings". Knowing they'll have someone waiting for them (someone who finds them attractive) gives them the mental security necessary to break up. The person in the wings doesn't even have to be the one the first person really wants, just a close, supportive approxamation. I don't know if this is the case with the lady you described, but I am going to answer several of the other question with this assumption. "Did she make a commitment to me?" If things are as you described, then yes, she did make a implicit ( possibly even explicit) commitment. She had to guarantee that you'd be there, so that she'd have the security necessary to breakup. "If so, can I hold her to that commitment?" Nope, Sorry. Even if she did make a commitment, holding it over her head might make her feel guilty, but it won't make her love you. If she doesn't love you, you can't shame her into it. "If I can't hold her to the commitment, what do I do then?" You will have to decide what you can do that will allow you to be happy too. Do you feel you could be just good friends with her? Do you want to be? Does it feel like she's keeping you in reserve again? If you can and want to be good friends, then work towards that. If it is too painful to be around her, then terminate the relationship ( not her, just the relationship). There are times one has to be selfish, especially when it comes to your own sanity. It is not your responcibility to suffer, so that she can feel better. Just as she was thinking of herself when she got you into this situation, you must think of yourself when you decide whether to get out of the situation. "What does she expect of me now?" Could be several things. Since you stuck with her through one relationship, perhaps she's keeping you in the wings again just in case the present relationship doesn't work. Perhaps she realizes how she's used you, and wants to make it up to you and appease her feelings of guilt. Perhaps she just truly cares for you as a friend and doesn't want to lose that. In any case you have obviously been letting her completely define the relationship. You are going to have to decide what is the minimum that you can accept from the relationship. Then tell her of your decision, and if she won't meet that minimum, break off the relationship. If you're getting nothing but pain from a relationship, you're not being a friend; you're being a martyr (willing or unwilling). It takes two people to abuse someone. One to do the abusing, and the other one to allow it. Hope I helped, Dave Butler Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.