Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!caip!lll-crg!seismo!gatech!gitpyr!cc100jr From: cc100jr@gitpyr.gatech.EDU (Joel Rives) Newsgroups: soc.singles Subject: Re: new questions Message-ID: <2348@gitpyr.gatech.EDU> Date: Wed, 8-Oct-86 12:30:21 EDT Article-I.D.: gitpyr.2348 Posted: Wed Oct 8 12:30:21 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 11-Oct-86 02:43:43 EDT References: <354@ur-cvsvax.UUCP> Reply-To: cc100jr@gitpyr.UUCP (Joel Rives) Distribution: net Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology, Atlanta Georgia Lines: 75 In article <354@ur-cvsvax.UUCP> gary@ur-cvsvax.UUCP (Gary Sclar) writes: Since my love and I have just worked through another cathartic experience in the ongoing growth of our relationship, I feel inclined to try and answer these questions put forth by Gary. Many thoughts about realtionships are still fresh in my mind and it will probably do me a great deal of good to put them down in some form or another. > 1) This woman was on the verge of forming a > committment with me but kept saying that she wasnt that attracted > to me. Now its my feeling that how attracted one is to a person > depends on how you feel about them. I was not attracted to > her physically until I started to fall in love with her. > From what she told me, she's always attracted to someone first, and > then falls in love second. a) what is it that happens most often to > people (male and female). b) which tends to work out better (love > first or attraction first). I'm not sure that you are using the term "attraction" in the same way as I would. For me, attraction is an integral part of love. It seems that you are restricting "attraction" to mean only "physical attraction". Well, for what it is worth, I felt the first tinges of attraction to my love before we ever physically met. Our introduction was through a computer TALK system. It was her wit and charm, her ability to challenge my mind, that first interested me. When we finally met for our *first date*, it was somewhat of a shock to both of us. Neither of us was physically much like anyone that the other had dates previously. There was also the fact that we are nearly 12 years apart in age. I don't mean to suggest that we don't find each other physically attractive - far from it. In fact, she is easily more physically pleasing than anyone else I have dated. The greatest and most substantial form of attraction/love grew out of our subsequent get togethers. It is a difficult form of attraction to explain. It has to do with the ease with which our personalities mesh together. It's the attraction of comfort, like the pleasure of curling up in a soft, thick comforter on a cold winter's night. > 2) Many women, especially on the net, seem to claim that > superficial looks are not that important to them. Its the inner man > that counts more (whereas the converse often seems to be true of > men). If women are more often attracted to the "inner man" what is > it about him that they're looking for? Exactly what is it that most > men look for? I look for many things in a relationship. My appreciation of the physical form is not to be ignored. Yet, in the long run, I place much more stock in the woman's attitude towards life. An open mind and a kind heart can over come most any obstacle. And anyone who enters a relationship thinking everything will come up smelling like roses day in and day out, is in for a big shock. > 3) If a woman refuses to sleep with you, after a relationship has > started, and there are feelings there, but she doesnt want you to > leave, what do you do? I tried to be a good guy, understanding and > such, and to hang on until she changed. All she did was change > partners. A friend of mine seems to think that women are more > attracted to men who are more sexually aggressive and demanding. > In this situation, that means, I guess, > that I should have been more forceful and > less caring (ie- do it or I'm leaving). In terms of the real world > and real people, what should I have done. This is a difficult situation for me as well. Though we have shared a sexual relationship from the onset, I am occasioanlly made aware that the what I may think my partner wants is not always what she really wants. The only thing I have to offer on this matter is to point out that a reletionship which hinges upon sex is not a very deep relationship. Seek to develop good communication between your partner and yourself. As I said, I can not always intuit what my love wants from me and it doesn't take very long to discover when I am off base - as she feel comfortable enough to let me know. -- Joel Rives gatech!gitpyr!cc100jr There is no place to seek the mind; It is like the footprints of the birds in the sky.