Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!caip!rutgers!nike!oliveb!tymix!whitehur From: whitehur@tymix.UUCP (Pamela K. Whitehurst) Newsgroups: soc.singles,soc.women Subject: Re: partners/cuts in pay/etc (was: Re: Yale-Harvard marriage study) Message-ID: <844@tymix.UUCP> Date: Fri, 10-Oct-86 13:06:27 EDT Article-I.D.: tymix.844 Posted: Fri Oct 10 13:06:27 1986 Date-Received: Sun, 12-Oct-86 04:23:21 EDT References: <1150@batcomputer.TN.CORNELL.EDU> <455@cci632.UUCP> <1169@batcomputer.TN.CORNELL.EDU> <1397@jade.BERKELEY.EDU> Reply-To: whitehur@tymix.UUCP (Pamela K. Whitehurst) Organization: Tymnet Inc., Cupertino CA Lines: 71 Xref: watmath soc.singles:448 soc.women:301 In article <1397@jade.BERKELEY.EDU> Muffy@arisia.UUCP (Muffy Barkocy) writes: >The (somewhat hypothetical) situation: I'm living with my mother, who makes >$40K. I'm doing filing, making $10K. As long as I live with my mother, she >takes care of room and board, even though I could be supporting myself now. >However, we like each other's company, and she doesn't mind that she's paying >for most of the food, rent, etc. She gets an offer of a job across the country >that pays 10% more, so she decides to move and says I can come along if I want >to. I go with her, but I can only get a job paying 10% less. Have I been >humiliated? > >Exact same situation, but substitue "SO" for "mother". What's the difference? >Well, first, my mother gave birth to me (responsible for my life). Of course, >she's already supported me for my entire life, and at this point I could be >self-supporting, so she really has no more obligation to support me than an >SO. Also, I'm not sleeping with my mother, so it's unlikely that anyone >could think she was "keeping" me (*grin*). My mother is "family," unlike my >SO. However, I feel a lot closer to my SO than my family, and I feel that I >can depend on him just as much as I can depend on them (and he can depend on >me as much as they can). > Another difference: your mother is probably not planning on a long term live-in situation. As a parent, one of my goals is to see that my child becomes a self-supporting adult. For some span of time we will be separate households tied together by caring. Our individual choices of things such as children, careers, and living locations will have minimal impact on each others future. [Her complaints about effects on inheritance will be ignored :-)] The realtionship between SOs is different if they are planning for a long term, live-together relationship. Their choices have a greater effect on each other. Usually they are moving toward a mutually-supporting relationship instead of self-supporting one. >Certainly, I should be somewhat embarassed to be supported by anyone if I >really can support myself. However, I am going to college so as to be able >to do the work I want to do and support myself better than I would otherwise. >I tried working 40hrs/week and going to school and was exhausted. I much >prefer working 20hrs, going to school, and being (*smile*) kept (for the time >being). When I graduate, I'll work full time and my SO might go to graduate >school. Meanwhile, if he could get a job he preferred to his current one, I >would do my best to stay with him (although with one semester to graduation, >I might stick here for another 6 months and then move). The point of going >with him would not be because of the money, though...it would be because he >is very important to me. And would your opinions change if he chose a job without considering your future in the area? I don't object to making sacrifices for a relationship, but both people have to make sacrifices, and both have to eventually gain. It does not have to be a monitary gain, it does have to be valuable to the receiver. > > Muffy > >Muffy@SCRC-STONY-BROOK.ARPA (really CERRIDWYN.SSF.SYMBOLICS.COM, but > this doesn't work right (yet? ever?)) >muffy@arisia.berkeley.edu, muffy%arisia@Berkeley.EDU, >muffy%arisia@ucbjade.BITNET >{ihnp4,decvax,decwrl,sun,etc}!ucbvax!arisia!muffy -- Disclaimer: This is just my responding, with an ambiguous language, to what someone else wrote, in an ambiguous language. At no time did I read anyone's mind to find out what they really meant. Pamela K. Whitehurst ...!hplabs!oliveb!tymix!whitehur ...!sun!idi!tymix!whitehur "Yes, it is bread we fight for, but we fight for roses too."