Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!caip!rutgers!sri-spam!mordor!lll-crg!lll-lcc!styx!mcclean From: mcclean@styx.UUCP (Bonnie McClean) Newsgroups: soc.singles Subject: Sharing my thoughts on love/life/relationships... Message-ID: <20905@styx.UUCP> Date: Fri, 10-Oct-86 17:11:10 EDT Article-I.D.: styx.20905 Posted: Fri Oct 10 17:11:10 1986 Date-Received: Sun, 12-Oct-86 04:26:42 EDT Organization: Lawrence Livermore Laboratory, Livermore, CA Lines: 76 I haven't posted any of my philosophies here before. Recently, I shared some of my ideas with an electronic pen-pal (you know who you are), and decided, what the heck - might as well throw them out there for everyone. Anyway, this just begins to touch upon my thoughts - I wanted to keep this from getting too long (we'll see if I can do it). First, you should know that currently I don't have any particular SO. I have several men friends that I go out with, one in particular. All of these men could have been an SO at one time, had I wanted it to go that way. I chose not to, mainly because it was clear to me that although I cared for each of them, there were important ideals and principles that were not shared, and a romantic relationship would have ultimately ended painfully. I feel lucky that these men care enough about me, anyway, to stick around and be devoted, caring friends. Having been married and divorced, I tend to be more cautious about getting into a romantic relationship than many others. I'm willing to take chances when I see potential in a relationship, but I'm not looking for a dead-end. While I like some things about being single, I believe married is better. I would like to get married again. I'm not desperate. I won't get married for the sake of getting married. I love life and living and people. I think one of our purposes in life is to learn to love people. I don't have trouble meeting men. I am very likeable and charming (I've been told). I'm average looking - definitely not one to turn heads. Generally, men are attracted to me once they get to know me, particularly in the last few years. I tell you this not because I'm an egotistical maniac, but because I find it an interesting phenomenon. It's been real facinating for me, never having been especially popular in my teens/early 20's, to suddenly meet and attract men so easily. I've tried to figure it out. While I get "infactuated" and "crushes" and all that good stuff, I recognize it for what it is (and what it isn't). I know those things have nothing to do with Love (at least the kind of Love I'm looking for in a relationship). For me, a loving relationship has to grow out of friendship. It doesn't just happen. I need to know my SO as a friend before a romantic relationship can exist. I believe this is the best kind of romantic relationship there can be. I'm not into playing games in a relationship. I'm fanatical about honesty in a relationship. We're talking 100% honesty. That goes hand in hand with 100% trust. That goes hand in hand with 100% freedom. I can't exist in a relation- ship that doesn't have these three things. If I can't completely trust the person I'm with, or he doesn't trust me, then what's the point? There's no room for possessiveness or jealousy. Freedom? Freedom is giving your partner space for him/her to have time to do what he/she wants to do, to come and go, to not own your partner, or have to be with him/her constantly. It's OK not to do EVERYTHING together. It's OK to have other friends of the same and the opposite sex that you do things with. In a monogamous relation- ship (which is what I am referring to in this posting), this requires complete trust on both sides. These are just a few of the things that are important to me. But please understand, I see them as the ideal, the goal, what is worth working towards in a relationship. They are not easy and don't happen overnight. But I believe it is possible. A real loving relationship is wonderful and special, but it is also work. I feel fortunate to have survived to 34 years, and feel that I have grown some, while at the same time, I can carry on like a crazy party person. It's an interesting combination (although others have called it neurotic :-) Bonnie Mcclean mcclean@lll-tis-b.ARPA {ihnp4,dual,sun}!lll-lcc!styx!mcclean ``You and I are not We, but One''