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From: drw@cullvax.UUCP (Dale Worley)
Newsgroups: soc.singles,soc.women
Subject: Re: Re: internal conflicts wrt sexual stimuli and so on
Message-ID: <355@cullvax.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 29-Sep-86 11:57:54 EDT
Article-I.D.: cullvax.355
Posted: Mon Sep 29 11:57:54 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 30-Sep-86 21:39:13 EDT
References: <911@gilbbs.UUCP> <1013@rti-sel.UUCP>
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> In article <911@gilbbs.UUCP> mc68020@gilbbs.UUCP (Thomas J Keller) writes:

> >This situation is complicated by several things, my being overweight, not 
> >being into dancing or partying, etc., and becoming extremely nervous when
> >involved in social situations.
> 
> None of these problems are unsolvable. Join a health club or the Y and
> get into shape. GET INTO dancing or partying, or at least into putting
> yourself in situations where you'll meet some nice people. If you're
> nervous about social situations, figure out why; get some professional
> help if you need it (there's nothing wrong with that -- going for help
> is a sign of mental HEALTH, not illness: the stigma attached to these
> things belongs in the 19th century).

And remember, it will take *time* to learn new social skills.  It also
takes time to develop a network of social contacts, but once you do,
your social life improves in widening circles.  You have to put effort
into this if you aren't in college--don't fear that you are being
pushy, they want friends too.  If you can find some relatively small
group where you can meet the same people time after time, it helps.

See if you can find a copy of "Shyness" by Zimbardo.  (It helped me.
Hey, if I can escape from shyness, so can you!)

> >   I find myself performing behaviours which I loath, and which distress me.
> >When I am in public, I find myself staring at women, wondering about how a
> >sexual interlude with them would turn out.  I stare at their crotches and
> >chests.  I mentally undress them.  I *DO* try very hard to maintain a low
> >profile.  It is not that I don't respect them as people. I am senstive to
> >the fact that such staring degrades not only them, but me.  I am deeply 
> >ashamed of my behaviours in this regard.
 
Sounds normal to me.  Just be tactful about it -- but it seems that
you are.  Try to get off this self-loathing kick.  You're not doing
anything that's even uncommon.

Don't judge yourself harshly, at least, no harsher than the people
you're around.  I am always surprised at the tolerance that other
people show -- I'm always afraid that I'm being an obnoxious asshole,
but as far as I can tell, I'm never perceived as such.
  
> >   I am just unsure of what to do.  I don't know how to meet people, or at
> >least I am particularly unskilled at it.  When I do meet women, I end up in
> >"freidnship only" mode, which is fine, as far as it goes.  I enjoy haveing
> >female friends (I enjoy having freinds).  Not one of them owes me a damned
> >thing, romantically.  Yet, I have this terrible need (yes, I need romance 
> >every bit as much, perhaps even more than I need sex).  I am lost, frustrated
> >and disgusted (with myself).
 
Re: female friends.  It's a good start.  If you're track record is
like mine, only a relatively small fraction of the female species (?)
is potentially romantically inclined toward you.  This means you've
got to do alot of searching.  Along the way, you will probably make a
lot of female friends, which is good also...  Just make it clear to
them that you are interested in them romantically as well, and when
you come across a real possibility, things will work out.

Dale