Path: utzoo!dciem!dretor!client1!king
From: king@client1.DRETOR.UUCP (Stephen King)
Newsgroups: ont.singles
Subject: how to stay single
Message-ID: <1140@client1.DRETOR.UUCP>
Date: 26 Oct 88 17:10:43 GMT
Article-I.D.: client1.1140
Distribution: ont
Organization: DCIEM, Toronto, Canada
Lines: 52

<< I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinions ... >>

A guide to staying single:

1) Never brush your teeth.

2) Never comb your hair. If you find someone who likes unkempt hair, shave
your head.

3) Chew a clove of raw garlic for breakfast every day.

4) Don't wash. Don't use deodorant.

5) When engaged in conversation, change the topic to something like:
	a) the relative merits of the various versions of UNIX.
	b) what you found on the floor of the abattoir.
	c) how much you prefer CMOS to LS-TTL.
	d) the type of foot powder you use.
	e) how itchy your dandruff has become.
	f) whatever it is that's stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

6) Use the word "fuck" as often as possible.

7) Never wear anything even remotely fashionable. Bell bottoms, 'nehru'
jackets, sandals (in the winter) and Batman outfits come to mind.

8) Chew tobacco. Spit often, preferably onto someone else. (OK unless you
are a baseball player)

9) Listen to Barry Manilow and Liberace exclusively. If forced to listen to
something else, whistle loudly, out of tune and in different time.

10) Slobber.

11) Throw up onto your shoes and let them dry.

12) Fart as often and as loudly as possible. Do not say "beg pardon", or
"excuse me"; rather sniff the air and smile quietly to yourself. This will
be noticed.

13) If you are (by some strange quirk of fate) in the company of a woman in
a bar, ask what she would like to drink, then order her a triple tequila.
If she asks for tequila, order her a rum and root beer.

These thirteen points should ensure that you remain single for a long long
time. Of course, they may not all work, depending on the other party, but
if you follow all of them you will be the most disgusting, unattractive
slob immaginable.

-- 
=-=-=-=  Stephen J King  =-=-=-=-=-=-=  DCIEM Human Factors Division  =-=-=-=
  {utzoo|mnetor}!dciem!zorac!dretor!king  or  king%dretor@zorac.dciem.dnd.ca