Path: utzoo!lsuc!ncrcan!apcitor!greg
From: greg@apcitor.toronto.apollo.com (Greg Foisy)
Newsgroups: ont.singles
Subject: Re: how to stay single
Message-ID: <108@apcitor.toronto.apollo.com>
Date: 27 Oct 88 13:13:00 GMT
References: <1140@client1.DRETOR.UUCP>
Reply-To: greg@apcitor.UUCP (Greg Foisy)
Distribution: ont
Organization: none
Lines: 99

In article <1140@client1.DRETOR.UUCP> king@client1.DRETOR.UUCP (Stephen King) writes:
><< I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinions ... >>
>
>A guide to staying single:
>
>1) Never brush your teeth.

	if you do use yellow paint so that your gums and teeth will look
	stained.

>2) Never comb your hair. If you find someone who likes unkempt hair, shave
>your head.

	petter yet, use brilcream (sp?)... gets to them every time.

>3) Chew a clove of raw garlic for breakfast every day.

	Why stop at breakfast?  Also wear them around you neck and
	tell everyone that it's there to keep away vampires and wolves.

>4) Don't wash. Don't use deodorant.

	If you must wash use as little water as possible.
	This way you will leave lots of tide marks.

>5) When engaged in conversation, change the topic to something like:
>	a) the relative merits of the various versions of UNIX.
>	b) what you found on the floor of the abattoir.
>	c) how much you prefer CMOS to LS-TTL.
>	d) the type of foot powder you use.
>	e) how itchy your dandruff has become.
>	f) whatever it is that's stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

	Talk about how you *enjoyed* disecting that frog in 4th year
	highshcool bio.

>6) Use the word "fuck" as often as possible.

	Actually an vulgar word will do.

>7) Never wear anything even remotely fashionable. Bell bottoms, 'nehru'
>jackets, sandals (in the winter) and Batman outfits come to mind.

	Scrap the Batman thing... it's that time of year...
	BTW, did you hear that robin is going to die at the hands
	of the joker in the next comic release... then again, I
	guess that that is one for talk.rumors.

>8) Chew tobacco. Spit often, preferably onto someone else. (OK unless you
>are a baseball player)

	Offer her some.  Be sure that you chew it well first!

>9) Listen to Barry Manilow and Liberace exclusively. If forced to listen to
>something else, whistle loudly, out of tune and in different time.

	Or find something clasical, but it in you walkman and bring it
	to a rock concert with you.  Tell here how much you love rock music
	then listen to the tape all night.

>10) Slobber.

	you forgot drool.

>11) Throw up onto your shoes and let them dry.

	Throw up on her shoes.

>12) Fart as often and as loudly as possible. Do not say "beg pardon", or
>"excuse me"; rather sniff the air and smile quietly to yourself. This will
>be noticed.

	If you can't fart belch!

>13) If you are (by some strange quirk of fate) in the company of a woman in
>a bar, ask what she would like to drink, then order her a triple tequila.
>If she asks for tequila, order her a rum and root beer.

	Turpintine really hits the spot.

>These thirteen points should ensure that you remain single for a long long
>time. Of course, they may not all work, depending on the other party, but
>if you follow all of them you will be the most disgusting, unattractive
>slob immaginable.
>

	If all else fails, be yourself! :-)



-- 
 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do foul up,
         there's no law against whacking them around a little.
                                        - PORTERFIELD (Joe Martin)
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