Path: utzoo!utgpu!watserv1!maytag!looking!clarinews From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Judith Martin) Newsgroups: clari.feature.miss_manners Subject: Videotaping a funeral Message-ID: Date: 1 Feb 90 05:21:03 GMT Lines: 85 Approved: clarinews@clarinet.com ACategory: lifesytle Slugword: FEA-manrs Priority: advance ANPA: Wc: 686; Id: z0645; Sel: qd--t; Adate: 2-1-9-1aed Note: THURSDAY, Feb. 1, 1990 THURSDAY, Feb. 1, 1990 DEAR MISS MANNERS -- I recently attended a funeral which included a church service and a full-honors burial ceremony. The person had died suddenly, and the attendees' emotions were heightened by the suddenness as much as the actual passing. As I bent my head in prayer, the corner of my eye caught sight of a video camera. Several other mourners and I were being filmed. Being filmed at such a time was very disturbing, and even more so when I later learned that copies would be sent to out-of-town relatives and friends who could not attend the services. What is your opinion of the use of tape recorders and video cameras to record funerals? Do you think the attendees have any rights when it comes to their most private emotions being captured on film? GENTLE READER -- Once, when Miss Manners was carrying on about the abuses of videotaping at weddings, she made the mistake of joking that the natural extension of it would be to videotape funerals. When will she ever learn? Immediately afterward, in this case. Her Gentle Readers quickly informed her that this was already being done. And while most voiced astonishment at the intrusion, one or two others declared how grateful they would be to have such souvenirs of the occasion. That those who did not attend the funeral require an instant replay instead is a revolting idea. It is no disgrace to be prevented by hardship from attending a funeral, but it does not require compensation afterward. If Miss Manners dared make another predictive joke, she would suggest that some day funerals will be attended only by the deceased, with family and friends merely watching the tape at their convenience. How would they watch it? Alone and depressed? In a gathering in a recreation room? It is impossible to capture on film the solemnity of a funeral of assembled family and friends. It is also hard for Miss Manners to imagine the satisfaction that the bereaved who did attend might get from reliving the funeral. Surely it is pictures of the person alive that they would treasure. Do they gather the descendants years later and say, ``Let's look at Dad's funeral again?'' Rather, Miss Manners thinks it is simply part of the pseudo-historical approach that so many people take to the important events of their lives. In many cases, the wedding video has become the only souvenir, because the principals have little of the actual event to remember except being made to cooperate with the demands of picture-taking. To film weeping mourners is an appalling intrusion on their privacy, regardless of who commissioned the filming. Under the circumstances, Miss Manners would not have blamed you for arising, the moment you realized what was happening, and removing yourself to a secluded area. DEAR MISS MANNERS -- Where should the line be drawn on public display of affection? Is it improper for a couple to have their arms around each other during worship services? Is it in good taste to kiss or embrace at a public gathering? GENTLE READER -- Is it too much to hope that the worship service to which you are referring is a wedding ceremony, the gathering a wedding reception, and the affectionate couple the bride and bridegroom? In that case, a circumspect exchange of kisses would not be distasteful. In regular religious services it would be. The worshipers are supposed to be concentrating on God, not the earthly pleasures they can offer each other. Even in secular gatherings, there should be no romantic display in front of others. Society gives quite a bit of opportunity for privacy for couples nowadays, and when they violate their own privacy, one can only assume the motive of showing off. DEAR MISS MANNERS -- In planning a family reunion, may I include in my guest list my husband's brother and his second wife, and also invite his first wife, of whom we are still fond? If you agree that this would be proper, do I have any obligation such as informing either party that I'm inviting the other? GENTLE READER -- While Miss Manners is delighted to hear that you have kept in friendly touch with your original sister-in-law, and while she requires divorced people to behave civilly when circumstances require them to meet, she would not go so far as to spring such an occasion on husband-wife-and-ex-wife unnecessarily and without warning. Not only do you have an obligation to inform everyone of your intention, but attendance at a family reunion must be offered first to current members of the family. Should your brother and his wife accept the invitation, you should then ask them if they mind your inviting his former wife as well. If they do mind, it is up to you to seek other occasions to see that lady. In a dilemma about giving or receiving presents? Help is available in Miss Manners' ``Present-Giving'' pamphlet. Send $1.50 to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper, P.O. Box 91428, Cleveland, OH 44101-3428. Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions other than through this column. Copyright 1990, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.